Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You're like the curious george of whores
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
