He uses pillows to masturbate.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
