I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
