And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
it was like his penis was on wheels.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
