Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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