do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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