Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
