Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
God, I missed his penis.
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