I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
