i wish peter jackson would direct porn
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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