I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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