my phone needs a breathalizer
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
