well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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