so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
