Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
