So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
