Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize