i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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