I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
