my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
