I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
