it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You're like the curious george of whores
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
