Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
