Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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