theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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