all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
