another moral hangover. fuck.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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