DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
