we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
