reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
