I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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