I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
