Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
