just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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