I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
