Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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