Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
