I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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