today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
