i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
