I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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