I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We need to get me chipped asap
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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