i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
