I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
