I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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