I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
