nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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