It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
