I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you would pick up someone in the library
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
