The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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