God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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