there's paper in my vomit.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
cat food counts as protein by the way
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
