life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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