Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
