I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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