I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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