Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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