I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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