you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
