She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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